You might be a liberal if...
Liberalism is a dangerous mental disorder and early treatment is essential to regaining sanity.
Always looking to be of help, I’ve compiled a checklist of liberal beliefs so that concerned readers may gauge whether or not they’re a budding liberal in dire need of intervention.
So, without further ado, you might be a liberal if . . .
You think having your penis amputated and your Adam’s apple shaved makes you a woman.
You think that a deadly virus emanating from a city with a level-4 Biohazard virology lab actually came from an animal at a food market.
You know Democrats made it super easy to cheat in 2020 with early voting, mail-in voting, ballot harvesting and the eschewing of voter ID, yet you believe no widespread cheating occurred.
You’re certain that the crime wave sweeping the country has nothing to do with Democrats defunding and denigrating the police, emptying the jails, and greatly diminishing or eliminating bail.
You think Joe Biden’s hair, teeth, or compassion for his fellow man are real.
You’re ready to block traffic, burn buildings, loot stores and spit on cops when annually, a handful of black men are wrongfully killed by police. But you’d never leave the comfort of your Lazy Boy for the handful of black men murdered in Chicago every weekend.
You fully expect lazy, fat-cat politicians driving around in large motorcades and flying private jets to tony climate conferences to save the planet.
You watch CNN’s human potato, Brian Stelter, educating school kids on how to spot misinformation and you don’t laugh uproariously.
You think Kamala Harris is smart, charismatic and a great communicator. Ditto for the Hildebeest.
You’re fine with vagrants masturbating, pooping and shooting up on city sidewalks. But you’d berate your teenager for doing those same things in your front yard.
You approve of criminals, terrorists, drug dealers and sex-traffickers -- and some, I assume, nice people -- pouring across our southern border yet you have a nice tall fence around your home, deadbolt locks on all your doors and a state-of-the-art alarm system.
You wore surgical masks, practiced social distancing, quarantined when indicated, and soldiered through the bad side-effects of not one but two COVID-19 vaccinations plus a booster. Yet you still contracted the virus and a month later, have not fully recovered from it. Still, you tell a pollster you “strongly approve” of the job Tony Fauci, a multi-millionaire on a civil service salary, has done fighting the pandemic.
You firmly believe Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, his guards simply fell asleep, and the jail’s video cameras just happened to be inoperative at the time of Epstein’s death. And you’re certain the Clintons had nothing to do with Epstein’s untimely demise.
You consider today’s FBI to be fair, trustworthy and non-partisan. And you find Comey, McCabe and Strzok strangely sexy.
You think roads, trees, credit scores, punctuality, math, climate change, professionalism, and proper English grammar are irredeemably racist.
You strongly support the termination and dismemberment of unborn babies at any time in a pregnancy and for any reason. And you’re fine with abortion clinics selling fetal body parts. But you’d never in a million years watch the actual procedure.
You think the COVID tests our federal government is promising to provide, late to the party and unreliable at best, are free.
You accept Alec Baldwin’s claim that his gun went off without him pulling the trigger. You further believe there’s such a thing as an “assault rifle,” and if we just closed the “gun-show loophole,” there’d be peace in our time.
When teachers’ unions reacted to COVID-19 by essentially going on paid vacation, thereby doing lasting damage to an entire generation of children, you nodded in full agreement. Ditto for remote learning.
You tell your friends that the roaring inflation that just happened to pop up during Joe Biden’s first year in office is caused by corporate greed. Capitalism, not wild governmental overspending, is the problem, you advise them, nodding sagely.
Although vaccinated, boosted, and fully recovered from a nasty bout with COVID, you wear two masks and a face-shield while driving in your car alone. And there’s an old, faded I’M WITH HER sticker on your rear bumper.
You’d love to get rid of fossil fuels, secure in the knowledge that windmills and waterfalls will somehow make up the difference in energy supply. Yet your pricey solar panels barely put a dent in your energy costs and now your roof leaks every time it rains.
You’re somehow able to listen to Nancy Pelosi speak without staring at the wildly arching eyebrows halfway up her forehead.
I could go on, folks, but there’s just too many loony leftist beliefs to list without writing an entire novel. Suffice it to say, if you agreed with even one of the above sentiments, you need to see a doctor, tout suite!
Maybe Dr. Jill Biden?
Whoopi Goldberg says she’s a helluva doctor.
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-Tex