Michael Moore: ‘Americans Need To Be Mindful Of Their Personal Health And Hygiene Like Me’
When a global pandemic hits, Americans know two things:
One, buy all the toilet paper. Two, destroy your 401k by selling all stock in
stable companies. But aside from those two bedrocks of truth, many Americans
are left searching for answers.
Michael Moore is here to help. Speaking at Detroit’s
Mustard Stains Of America conference, the brilliant mind offered up this gem:
“You guys, it’s simple! You want to get through this
virus thing alive?” Moore asked before quickly biting into a Cinnabon and
making the audience wait in awkward silence for over a minute before
continuing. “Then you gotta be extra mindful of your health! Like me! You gotta
take pride in your personal hygiene—like I do!”
Then Michael Moore leaned towards the audience and gave
them an intense look.
“And the most important thing I’ll say about keeping and
maintaining a healthy body like mine is this…”
But suddenly the filmmaker sprung to his feet and waddled
off the stage while muttering curse words. The crowd was confused and desperate
to hear his ultimate health secret. Minutes later, an MC addressed the restless
audience:
“As he so often does, Mr. Moore has soiled himself. He is
currently being hosed down in the back. This concludes our evening’s events.”